Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
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DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.