Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?