First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”