Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
when there are deer in the woods
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.