7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
You Might Also Like
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions