My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that