When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”