Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.