15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
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[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’m listening
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT