I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
You Might Also Like
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?