[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.