Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
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i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My good tweets are in my other pants.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.