I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
.. do you even science?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit