I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo