Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
You Might Also Like
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
m’lady
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.