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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
#math
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure