demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.