#Caturday
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When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
How to find Kentucky on a map
Smile they said.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.