[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.