If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.