I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
There is no “we” in pizza
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.