Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Life hack
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works