[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
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john wicks are toilet candles
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.