This sounds bad:
You Might Also Like
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”