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[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Thinking about Jeff
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up