Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
nature’s most graceful animal
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION