the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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Before & after 😅
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld