I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Happy Caturday!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible