“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Never forget.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera