She was rare, like a goth jogging
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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
This bar smells like my childhood.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.