Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Every haunted house movie:
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.