Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
You Might Also Like
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
This guy gets it.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.