This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
🚲+physics = winner
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”