Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity