The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
even bears disappoint their mothers
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.