I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Can’t, holding a grudge
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.