You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A