When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Why is no one talking about this?!
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
need him
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …