wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
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Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in