they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
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I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
english majors be like furthermore