Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*