Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.