I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I’m calling the cops.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.