It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
79.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….