The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*