Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Oh thanks BBC.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.