My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
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Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!