Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
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DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable