I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Room with a view.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Yes, this is exactly right
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone