I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo